Caution: Highly pidgin.
Last month, a bunch of peeps from Alohaworld wen get togedda foa da annual Alohaworld Gathering in Las Vegas. Dis local kine event is one really big deal, and has entertainers, musicians and artists from all ova. It also has local kine grindz [food], plenny time foa talking stories, and is, really, one fabulous thing to attend. Unfortunately, I neva been able to go.
I knew my friend Lika was gonna go, and she was going dance hula for everyone and I wanted to send her something special to take with her to the Gathering since I couldn’t be dea.
I wen get it all boxed up nice and wen make one special trip to da PO in Damascus on da Saturday befoa she had to leave. I wen sendum Priority Mail. 2-3 days to Arizona. Oni easy. Lika didn’t have to fly out till da following Friday morning, so even if it wen take 4 days, would be fine.
I wen double-check her addy. Check.
I wen double-check her zip code. Check.
I wen double-check da box stay sealed. Check.
I wen double-check my return addy stay ontop. Check.
I wen watch da mailman who does da pickup in Damascus, da offishul PO kane [man], put Lika’s package in his bin of stuff foa deliver to Boring. From dea would go to Portland. I wen see Lika’s box go insai da truck.
Hanabata days, wen us keeds wen get antsy, my fadda wen tell us, “Matte, matte kudasai” [wait, wait please]. So when Monday wen come, I wen tell myself, “Matte kudasai, Mokihana. Is too early yet.”
Tuesday, Lika wen call me. “Eh, no stay yet, but no worry. Still get plenny time”.
“Matte, matte, Mokihana” I wen tell myself again.
Wednesday. Still nomo da package. I wen staht foa get small kine worried. Dis was spesho ting foa Lika to take to da Gathering. She was going dance anden! I wen call her. “Eh, wassup wit dat? U shua u wen check yoa mailbox?”
She get dis kine mailbox. Like one calabash mailbox, yeah. If somebody get one package, da mailman… oh, try wait. Da mailPERSON… hmm… hakum dey neva call um one maleman? Da English language.. who can figga? But I digress.
Anyway, if she get one package, den da mail/male/kane/wahine watevah person drops one spesho kine key in Lika’s box. Den she go use dat key foa open da moa big door dat get da package. Eh Lika! Wachu like? Door Numba One? Door Numba Two? Door Numba Chree? Wea stay da prize?
But Wednesday, nomo dat spesho key in her box. By dis time, us two guys burning up da phone wires (even doe we get wireless… go figga.. I guess dat dates me… nah, cannot date me. I stay married anden… LOL.) Oni get one moa day foa dat spesho package to get dea.
I wen talk to da peeps at da Damascus PO. Dey dunno wat wen happen.
I wen talk to da peeps at da Boring PO. Dey dunno wat wen happen. Dey did tell me dat of alla places in da USA, Montana and Arizona get pilikia wit da mail. Great. Now is one fine time foa tell me dat. If I wen know dat, I woulda sent Izzie da package to give to Lika; Izzie stay Georgia, but I bet SHE woulda got it!
Thursday. Dum de dum dum. I stay waiting by my phone, by my inbox, hoping I going hea from Lika. But wat I wen hea was, “Eh Moki… da bugga neva wen show up! And my plane going leave 5:30 in da kakahiaka!”
I wen frantically talk to da owner of Hawaiian Beanz. Dey get PO in dea shop. Karrie was terrific… she wen call down to da Arizona PO foa find out wat I could do. She wen get me da direct line foa Lika’s PO; da kane in AZ wen tell her I need foa call wit da exact address I wen sendum to.
I wen call Lika. “Eh, Lika, if da package stay insai da PO, can u run down befoa five o’clock and pickum up?”
So I wen call down to Arizona to talk about da problem. I stay um… small kine frantic. Da PO kane wen search all ova da entire PO. Da package no stay. Da mail/male/kane/wahine already stay off work. Da mail pau foa da day. Da PO kane sorry, but dea was nothing moa he could do.
Dea was nothing I could do, eeda.
I wen call Lika. Both of us so upset. She going hafto go dance without da spesho tingie I wen send her. I stay unbelievably disappointed. I wanted dis small part of myself to go Las Vegas wit her so I could feel like I was dea, and so she could have something spesho foa take with her.
Da Gathering wen go on. Lika wen dance, and I got to see it on youtube. I wen sit hea at my computer, wai maka to da max, watching her dance her amazing hula.
Da following week, she wen check her mailbox everyday. Nomo da package.
Same ting da week afta. She wen tell me, “I bet was kakaroached. If da mailman/etc wen drop da key in da wrong box, and da peeps who have dat box like da pressie, den dey could kakaroach um and I would neva know da difference.”
Two and a half WEEKS afta I wen mail da package to Lika, Priority Mail, extra kala foa dat 2-3 day service, she wen get da magic key. She wen open Door Numba One, and dea was. Two weeks afta I like her foa get it, two weeks afta da Gathering, two weeks afta her hula, she wen get it.
Lika wen tell me she going send me back some yarn she neva going use. She wen mail um Monday, October 1. Today I wen holoholo PO foa pick up my mail. Lika’s package stay hea. Four days Priority Mail. Da same wahine who wen tell me about da pilikia wit mail to Arizona was dea. I wen tell her my friend finally wen get da package. Hakum I wen gettum in four days and she neva gettum foa ova two weeks?
“Oh”, she wen tell me, remembering me from befoa. “Arizona is a Black Hole when it comes to mail delivery. We don’t know what the problem is, but this happens more time than we care to mention. Stuff gets lost all the time when it’s sent to Arizona. The problem isn’t up here; you got your package pretty much on time, though one day late.”
So. If anybody like send Lika one Kalikimaka pressie, mail um NOW and mebbe she going get by den. Betta yet, sendum by Pony Express.