Da Black Hole of Arizona

Caution: Highly pidgin.

Last month, a bunch of peeps from Alohaworld wen get togedda foa da annual Alohaworld Gathering in Las Vegas. Dis local kine event is one really big deal, and has entertainers, musicians and artists from all ova. It also has local kine grindz [food], plenny time foa talking stories, and is, really, one fabulous thing to attend. Unfortunately, I neva been able to go.

I knew my friend Lika was gonna go, and she was going dance hula for everyone and I wanted to send her something special to take with her to the Gathering since I couldn’t be dea.

I wen get it all boxed up nice and wen make one special trip to da PO in Damascus on da Saturday befoa she had to leave. I wen sendum Priority Mail. 2-3 days to Arizona. Oni easy. Lika didn’t have to fly out till da following Friday morning, so even if it wen take 4 days, would be fine.

I wen double-check her addy. Check.
I wen double-check her zip code. Check.
I wen double-check da box stay sealed. Check.
I wen double-check my return addy stay ontop. Check.

I wen watch da mailman who does da pickup in Damascus, da offishul PO kane [man], put Lika’s package in his bin of stuff foa deliver to Boring. From dea would go to Portland. I wen see Lika’s box go insai da truck.

Hanabata days, wen us keeds wen get antsy, my fadda wen tell us, “Matte, matte kudasai” [wait, wait please]. So when Monday wen come, I wen tell myself, “Matte kudasai, Mokihana. Is too early yet.”

Tuesday, Lika wen call me. “Eh, no stay yet, but no worry. Still get plenny time”.

“Matte, matte, Mokihana” I wen tell myself again.

Wednesday. Still nomo da package. I wen staht foa get small kine worried. Dis was spesho ting foa Lika to take to da Gathering. She was going dance anden! I wen call her. “Eh, wassup wit dat? U shua u wen check yoa mailbox?”

She get dis kine mailbox. Like one calabash mailbox, yeah. If somebody get one package, da mailman… oh, try wait. Da mailPERSON… hmm… hakum dey neva call um one maleman? Da English language.. who can figga? But I digress.

Anyway, if she get one package, den da mail/male/kane/wahine watevah person drops one spesho kine key in Lika’s box. Den she go use dat key foa open da moa big door dat get da package. Eh Lika! Wachu like? Door Numba One? Door Numba Two? Door Numba Chree? Wea stay da prize?

Kinda lidat.

But Wednesday, nomo dat spesho key in her box. By dis time, us two guys burning up da phone wires (even doe we get wireless… go figga.. I guess dat dates me… nah, cannot date me. I stay married anden… LOL.) Oni get one moa day foa dat spesho package to get dea.

I wen talk to da peeps at da Damascus PO. Dey dunno wat wen happen.

I wen talk to da peeps at da Boring PO. Dey dunno wat wen happen. Dey did tell me dat of alla places in da USA, Montana and Arizona get pilikia wit da mail. Great. Now is one fine time foa tell me dat. If I wen know dat, I woulda sent Izzie da package to give to Lika; Izzie stay Georgia, but I bet SHE woulda got it!

Thursday. Dum de dum dum. I stay waiting by my phone, by my inbox, hoping I going hea from Lika. But wat I wen hea was, “Eh Moki… da bugga neva wen show up! And my plane going leave 5:30 in da kakahiaka!”

I wen frantically talk to da owner of Hawaiian Beanz. Dey get PO in dea shop. Karrie was terrific… she wen call down to da Arizona PO foa find out wat I could do. She wen get me da direct line foa Lika’s PO; da kane in AZ wen tell her I need foa call wit da exact address I wen sendum to.

I wen call Lika. “Eh, Lika, if da package stay insai da PO, can u run down befoa five o’clock and pickum up?”

Can do.

So I wen call down to Arizona to talk about da problem. I stay um… small kine frantic. Da PO kane wen search all ova da entire PO. Da package no stay. Da mail/male/kane/wahine already stay off work. Da mail pau foa da day. Da PO kane sorry, but dea was nothing moa he could do.

Dea was nothing I could do, eeda.

I wen call Lika. Both of us so upset. She going hafto go dance without da spesho tingie I wen send her. I stay unbelievably disappointed. I wanted dis small part of myself to go Las Vegas wit her so I could feel like I was dea, and so she could have something spesho foa take with her.

Da Gathering wen go on. Lika wen dance, and I got to see it on youtube. I wen sit hea at my computer, wai maka to da max, watching her dance her amazing hula.

Da following week, she wen check her mailbox everyday. Nomo da package.

Same ting da week afta. She wen tell me, “I bet was kakaroached. If da mailman/etc wen drop da key in da wrong box, and da peeps who have dat box like da pressie, den dey could kakaroach um and I would neva know da difference.”

Two and a half WEEKS afta I wen mail da package to Lika, Priority Mail, extra kala foa dat 2-3 day service, she wen get da magic key. She wen open Door Numba One, and dea was. Two weeks afta I like her foa get it, two weeks afta da Gathering, two weeks afta her hula, she wen get it.

Lika wen tell me she going send me back some yarn she neva going use. She wen mail um Monday, October 1. Today I wen holoholo PO foa pick up my mail. Lika’s package stay hea. Four days Priority Mail. Da same wahine who wen tell me about da pilikia wit mail to Arizona was dea. I wen tell her my friend finally wen get da package. Hakum I wen gettum in four days and she neva gettum foa ova two weeks?

“Oh”, she wen tell me, remembering me from befoa. “Arizona is a Black Hole when it comes to mail delivery. We don’t know what the problem is, but this happens more time than we care to mention. Stuff gets lost all the time when it’s sent to Arizona. The problem isn’t up here; you got your package pretty much on time, though one day late.”

So. If anybody like send Lika one Kalikimaka pressie, mail um NOW and mebbe she going get by den. Betta yet, sendum by Pony Express.

Sorry, Lika.

This entry was posted in Da Kine: Sometimes Full-on Pidgin. Bookmark the permalink.

8 Responses to Da Black Hole of Arizona

  1. Kikue Mugen says:

    I can’t believe how it all went. I’ll not say much about the black hole and all, I’ve already done that in email since…. well, you guys know. LOL But honestly, can’t depend on the Post Office, huh? Where’s the good old days of the Pony Express? All you have to worry about are the Indians and not keys, boxes, getting lost, etc. Hugs

  2. AFK says:

    Not on’y Arizona get one black hole. I wen live in Japan fo’ one yea, and I wen send, spesho delivery, one lettah to my parents fo’ tell dem wen I was goin’ come home. I mailed it one week befo’ I lef’ Japan. Good t’ing I wen call dem about wen I was comin’ home, cuz da spesho delivery lettah wen arrive TWO MONTHS aftah I sent ’em – da lettah went all ovah da Caribbean befo’ comin’ to Hawai`i! Had choke postmarks from all ovah! Dat lettah wen holoholo mo’ dan me! Not on’y dat, I wen sign fo’ da lettah wen dey fine’ly deliver ’em! As why hahd. Main t’ing Lika wen get ’em. Lurkah wen sen’ me da Youtube link of her hula, and ho, made me cry.

  3. Lika says:

    Eh, no tawk stink about AZ….nah nah nah too late.

    I told da post office lady about da box taking pretty most 3 weeks instead of 3 days – it was paid for priority and I told her da OR PO said AZ & MT da worstest. She was like “really” ~ yeah dats why I need one signed confirmation of delivery. LOL

  4. Mokihana says:

    Yeabut. Da reason I neva wen put da delivery confirmation was cuz u could call me on da phone an tell me u wen gettum, right? Oa I could call u and ask u, “Eh Lika, u wen gettum yet?” Oh yea, I wen do dat. LOL.

    Wasn’t till lataz dat I wen find out dat even doe delivery confirmation oni tells me dat u wen get it, also can do some tracking, even doe dey neva tell u dat at da PO. “It only tells you that it arrived; no can track it” is da standard ansah.

    Next time I going know bettah. Going get delivery confirmation on everything!

  5. Miulang says:

    I tink maybe Damascus get one black hole too, yeah, Moki? Rememba da bottle of Aloha teriyaki marinade I wen go send you priority mail? How long wen take to go from Seattle to Damascus? Was like 2 weeks, no?

  6. Mokihana says:

    Nah. Was hea in two days. But eeda I wen miss da yellow stickah da kine in my box oa dey neva wen puttum in. Cuz I wen check wen came, and was oni two days.

    Mebbe da Black Hole stay my PO box!

  7. MonicaPDX says:

    ROFLMAO and sympathies! I’m sitting here fuming ’cause I cancelled a hold mail order for that trip I’m not on after all. On Tuesday. Here it’s Friday, and still, no mail… Called customer service today, they were sending some sort of Stern Warning to my local station. Whaddaya bet nothing shows up Saturday, and I don’t end up getting anything until the 9th, which was the resume delivery date I told ’em on my original hold? Snelfrockey. There’s yarn where I can’t get at it, I know this, the tracking shows it was ‘delivered’ yesterday! (Well, I had the trip money, y’see…) Postal carriers can be kinda like gauge swatches. I know; my dad worked 25 years for the USPO. When he got to be a supervisor, he’d have to do things like tail the lousy ones to get proof they were thoroughly checking out each bar on the route and such. 😉

    And hey, those Peppo’s books have proven they’re not only hilarious. I got almost everything. And enjoyed. [vbg]

  8. pehea 'oe? says:

    Haha! That’s the US PO for you. I mail packages everyday, and a few weeks ago there seemed to be a delay in all items heading south or to the east coast from Portland/Seattle. See my people get real mad when their packages don’t show in 2-3 days…. I’m glad your package finally arrived to Lika.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s