Da Evil Knotweed

We wen move into dis hale about 18 years ago.  We loved da view, da layout, da view, da fact dat Nolemana’s papa-san could move in with us when he was 84, da view, da amount of storage, da view, da pasture for da livestock, da view, da forest behind us, da quiet of twelve acres and no nearby neighbors, and oh, I wen menshun da view? Outside wat is now my office had dis green stuff growing dat kinda looked like bamboo.  Da stuff stay enclosed in one raised bed, and though I like use da bed foa veggies and stuffs, we wen concentrate on da odda two flowerbeds next to it.

A couple of years latah, I noticed dat da bamboo no like stay inside its raised bed.  But was kinda nani, so we wen leave it. 

I wen ignore it foa a few moa years cuz had so much else foa do.  Mālama [care for] Papa-san, go back to work, etc.  And one day I wen look outsai as if foa da firss time, an wen notice dat ho, da bamboo wen start foa take ova moa and moa.  I no like dat, so I wen axe Nolemana foa use da Roundup on um.  Which he wen do.

Da leaves wen turn yellow.  Yay!  Da plants wen shrivel up, and soon, wat was green befoa was now mahkediedead.  We wen enter da winta time full of victorious feelings. 

Da gray days of winta wen turn into Spring.  Da trees wen begin to bud.  I wen make plans foa plant veggies in dat bed wea da bamboo had been.  I wen buy seeds and wen go outsai, all prepared foa get da soil ready.  But ho, wat dat was, peeking out from da dirt?  Confunnit!  Was all kine green leaves jass like befoa!  All during da winta, dat stinkin’ bamboo wen plot how foa vanquish me!    So much foa my plans foa veggies in dat bed.

Out wen come da Roundup da second time.  Dry, yellow leaves wen appear.  Ha!  Dis time I win, u stupid bamboo!  So wat if no can plant veggies dea dis year?  I still da winna!

Gray, rainy wintah wen come.  Da months wen go by, and finally Spring wen come again.  I wen go out to dat bed, purpose in my steps.  Wat???  How can dat be?  Even moa of da green leaves wen come up!!  Wat was dat stuff, anyway?

A few weeks latah, when da stalks coulda been stand-in’s foa one “Jack an Da Kine Beanstalk” flick, my friend Julie wen come ova and wen whack da living daylights outa dat stuffs.  She wen karang um to death!  Mahalo, Julie!  I wen get dreams of one reeyo veggie garden da next year.

Anodda winta, anodda Spring.  And by April, da stalks foa which I had nomo swear words, was green, and tall, and waving in da breeze once again.  During da wintah, dey wen get married and have ukupila babies!

I wen cut one off and wen take um into da County Extension agent.  Da peeps dea wen look at um.  But dese ones no could tell wat it was.  So dey wen ask me foa leave um dea and dey going send um down to Eugene.  K’den.  I wen wait.

Couple of weeks lata, I wen get one call from da Extension agent, who wen tell me dat wat I had was called Japanese Knotweed, one noxious weed dat was almost impossible foa eradicate.  Oh, dat is great news, I wen think.  I wen ask um what I could do, and all dey could suggest was Roundup.  Well, I awreddy knew how good dat works, yeah?  Kill fight.  Was dat stuff going be da winnah in dis battle?  I no like give it da dignity of one nice name; I wen begin for call it “Da Evil Knotweed”.

Dat summah I was at one Hawaiian quilting workshop at Collins Retreat Center in Estacada.  I wen check out da bulletin board, and right dea was one announcement dat said dey like know from peeps who stay battling da Evil Knotweed.  Oni dey neva wen callum evil.  But by dis time I was calling it EvilKnotweed, all one word.  And by dis time, da Evilknotweed was starting foa spread down da hillside.

I wen call da kane in charge.  He wen tell me dat da EK grows wea get plenny watah (we get dat coming off da hill above us), and dat da EK is one huge pest along streambeds.  Wat his hui [group] stay doing was actually innoculating da stems of da EK wit syringes filled wit big-time poison, hoping dat going eradicate it permanently. Well, in da firss place, I cannot get dat kine poison.  Cuz u know, I might decide foa poison some criminal oa somebody I no like, yeah?  Standoff in da EvilKnotweed battle foa dat year. 

But den I wen get dis idea.  How about if we go put heavy mil black plastic down ontop da whole bed and around um, den put several metal watering troughs ontop da plastic wit puka punched in um foa drain da watah.  Den, fillum up wit garden soil, and ho, I can plant my corn oa beans oa watevah!  I can still beat dat evil stuff aftah all!

Da next Spring, I was in da Sandy, Oregon, library, and on da announcement board was one notice from one kane in charge of getting rid of EvilKnotweed! I wen get in touch wit him right way; he stay one expert in da “Take Dat, and Dat and Dat, u EvilKnotweed!” department.  I wen tell him my plans. He wen tell me first of all, dat even if I go cover up da EK, da buggah stay so vicious dat it still going find one escape route.  Wat?  True.  He wen tell me horror stories of how da EK wen take over like Da Creeping Unknown.  He wen assail me wit tales of people who wen put down ukupila mil of black plastic, only to see da EK come up in double force da next year, sometimes emerging 50′ from wea da black plastic wen cover it up.  Some people even wen cover up da EK wit concrete and it wen emerge ‘way far away from da concrete! He wen tell me dat if I go whack um, da bugga going come back moa worse den eva. Auwe! 

He wen tell me dat one ting I could do was first of all, when da evil stuff was about waist-high, spray um wit Roundup.  Den, wen da bugga grow waist high again, spray um again.  Den, in da Fall, spray um again with Agent Orange  Crossbow, which is very effective on blackberries (some peepo consider dem to be da Oregon State weed, but no blackberry tastes as good as dem!).  But I digress.

K’den.  I had foa give up on my trough garden, but in da interest of cleaning out dat EvilKnotweed, I wen consider it one worthwhile sacrifice.  We wen do jass wat he wen tell me.  Roundup twice, Crossbow once.  Da leaves wen turn yellow, and everything wen look mahkediedead again.  Moki 2.  EK 4.

Wintah wen come.  Da rains wen come.  Da gray skies wen come.  Da snow wen come.  I wen imagine one new kine veggie garden. I wen imagine dancing all ova da flowerbed wea once da EvilKnotweed wen reign, giddy wit excitement and da thrill of vanquishing da green stuff.

Spring wen come once again.  Nolemana wen move da trough onto da place wea I like place um.  Wat?  Try wait!  I no could believe my eyes.  Instead of da usual amount of da green leaves, I wen see ten thousand million times as many as befoa!  How could dat be?  We wen use Roundup!  We wen use Crossbow!  We was going win dis war!

Lass Fall, we wen watch da EvilKnotweed die down yet again.  We nevah wen spray um.  We nevah wen whack um.  At least no could be moa worse den befoa. And dis year… well, judge foa yoaselves.

Guess who wen win?  Not me, dat’s foa shua.


It wen grow back, moa big and moa scattered den eva.  It likes Roundup!  It thinks Crossbow is one sugar-coated cereal filled wit all kine vitamins.  It begs foa moa!

Dis Fall, I going go send Nolemana out wit one chainsaw.  Da EvilKnotweed may come back, but at least I get da satisfaction of cutting um down in its prime!



This entry was posted in Da Kine: Sometimes Full-on Pidgin, Farm Stuffs. Bookmark the permalink.

11 Responses to Da Evil Knotweed

  1. Lika says:

    I learned dat in Oklahoma its called “brushhogging.” I tawt dat meant had something to do wit one pig, like kalua, you know your brush da pig before you go cook’um or somting. Not even. Clearing da aina is called brushhogging.

    Happy hoe hana.

  2. Mokihana says:

    Very kewt. Hoe hana. Hahahaha. Not foa me! I going make Nolemana do da brush hogging. Cuz right now da EvilKnotweed stay hogging my veggie garden!!

  3. Islandhippo says:

    What a story! Poor Moki and poor veggies! Did you try plant black berries in there and see who wins? If the black berries do, at least you get something good to eat!

  4. Mokihana says:

    Now THAT is one good idea!!!! I should try plant blackberries there! I bet they going win!! Mahalo nui!! I going do it!

  5. Kikue Mugen says:

    For crying out loud yeah those nasty SOBs! I told you, it’s just like the Kudzu we get down south. No can stop those things once da buggah get started. Kudzu will stop at nothing, and even take down big hardwood trees if you let them. They grow right over the trees and keep growing. That is something you no like get in your yard! How you suppose to keep dem buggahs off your house, yeah? Spooky, I tell you! Too bad you no can hire Lurkah fo’ come and blow em all away. *hee hee*

  6. wendi says:

    what can you do with weeds…chop em up. burn um. mulch um? squoosh up and use as dye? make into lots and lots of string? paper? there must be something useful that can be done with all that stuffs.

  7. lurkah says:

    “Too bad you no can hire Lurkah fo’ come and blow em all away. *hee hee*”

    I heard somebody was talking “stink” about me. 😦

  8. Mokihana says:

    Eh, u guys behave now. Get my knitting friends reading dis blog!

  9. lurkah says:

    “Eh, u guys behave now. Get my knitting friends reading dis blog!”

    Well pardon me, but are you inferring that your knitting friends are a group of angelic nuns? 😉

  10. Mokihana says:

    No, but my knitting friends might not appreciate local kine humor like we get on da Lanai, yeah?

  11. Pingback: Mokihana’s Garden » Blog Archive » First of da Beans

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